Your personality, explained on Twitter by an extremely specific aspect of your childhood

If your favorite game was the red rover, you’re an industry titan. If your favorite game was Sorry!, you’re a cop.

If you were a teacher’s pet, you are currently on forty milligrams of Celexa. If you were a class pet, you are currently buried in a shoebox in Mrs. Butkis’ garden.

If you’re the older sibling, you have control issues. If you are the youngest of the siblings, you have forty-three old numbers of weekly motorcycle crammed into your fireworks drawer.

If you play saxophone, your favorite movie is “Paddington”. If you played the violin, your favorite movie is “Paddington 2”. If you played the viola, people still make fun of you because you play the viola.

Child of divorce? You are in cryptocurrency now. Grew up in a stable and loving home? Sorry, but you’re never going to finish this novel. Raised by Transformers? Wait, really? Were you raised by Transformers? Uh. . . you are very beautiful.

If you’ve played with Beanie Babies, you’ve described your favorite indie singer-songwriter as “soulful.” If you’ve played with Polly Pocket, your dream car is a Pontiac Aztek.

If you were the lead in the school play, you’re Sting now. If you grew up screaming into a box fan to make robot sounds, you’re Daft Punk. The two. Search it on Google!

If you grew up loving the Scholastic Book Fair, you’ve got a tattoo that says “breathe.” If you grew up loving Pizza Hut, book it! program, you have a tattoo that says “just breathe”.

Wait, did you grow up calling unleaded gasoline “mother’s milk” and puffing diesel fumes for breakfast? Alright you were definitively raised by Transformers. Can we feel your muscles?

If you learned Spanish in high school, you are now divorced. If you took Latin, you have a third ear on your back. If you’ve memorized Egyptian hieroglyphics late at night by flashlight, there’s a 30% chance you’ve already irritated the mind of an ancient pharaoh. Just like Brendan Fraser!

Did you grow up watching Saturday morning cartoons? Your partner is sitting in the next room trying to work up the courage to tell you it’s over. Linger here a little longer, my friend. Everything will change when you finish this article.

If your favorite board game was Monopoly, your dream job is banging your fist on a desk and demanding people bring you pictures of Spider-Man! If your favorite board game was Battleship, you bring an air of focus and gravity to your lovemaking.

If you liked “Star Wars”, you are gay. If you liked “Star Trek”, you are gay. Accept it, you are gay!

All picky eaters become gluttons. All Mickey Eaters are banned from Disney World.

If you’ve played football, you know the names of all the members of the Donner Party. If you’ve played softball, you’ve already connected to your Olive Garden server. If you’ve played lacrosse, you’ve never wrestled an alligator, but you think you might.

If you’ve written for the school newspaper, you’ve accidentally witnessed a murder. If you were on the sailing team, you always said things like, “Once I marry your dad, it’s off to boarding school for the little brats!” If you were on yearbook staff, you think mustard is spicy.

Sorry, just – can we get back to the Transformers case real quick? Oh, are you too busy falling down crying your ass because someone returned a rental car without a full tank of gas? No, absolutely fine. Heard.

If you were a gifted kid, I hope you came with a receipt.

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